Funny

Seizing Sandler

Normally I'm super chill around celebrities. They really don't affect me. BUT, last night I was standing about 10 feet away from Adam Sandler and I totally geeked out.

When I was eleven years old, my mom sent my father upstairs to take away my "dirty" CDs. So, he asked for my Snoop Dogg and Adam Sandler albums. I was so bummed. I tried to fake him out and give him an "Ugly Kid Joe" instead. He didn't go for it. He wanted to hear Snoop Dogg's CD.

My father wanted to hear what was so 'dirty.' So, I played their albums for him. He ended up really liking the Snoop Dogg album "Doggystyle."

Then I played him Adam Sandler 's album "What the Hell Happened to Me." My father laughed so hard that he let me keep it. I remember showing him my favorite tracks and him exploding in laughter. He took Snoop's CD but left me with Adam's and said, 'Don't tell your mother.'

A year later my father died, and my mom set me up with the Big Brothers Big Sisters Program. It's like substitute teachers only for dead parents.

Anyways, Adam Sandler was coming to town for a LIVE CONCERT! I was thirteen and way too excited. My 'Big Brother' Brian took me, and we met Adam. Randomly in the alley outside the theater.

Seeing Adam last night made me feel like a kid again. I was standing just a few feet away... frozen... not sure what to say. It made me think of my father and I laughing in my bedroom. The secrets you keep from your mother, and the humor I grew up on.

I listened to "What's Your Name" the other day with a friend. We laughed just as hard as when we were young. So, I guess what I wanted to say was, thanks for the memories, Adam.

Hugs From Phoenix

Photo by Ryan J Faber

Photo by Ryan J Faber

If you have seen me on tour this fall then you might have heard me close my show on the story about losing my parents. I don't do it every show, just when I feel a certain connection with the audience...It's not exactly a big pick me up finale piece haha

My Stepfather Wayne and I 2011

My Stepfather Wayne and I 2011

Anyways, I started sharing my story in hopes it would show people that you can find laughter in loss and tragedy. Since then, I have received tons messages, tweets and even had audience members share their loss with me after my shows. I had no idea how many people were sharing the same thoughts and feelings I had been experiencing until I began to open up on stage.

Two nights ago in Phoenix I closed my show by sharing my story and reminding the crowd to let the people they love, know that they love them, because you just don't know what's gonna happen and you might not get the chance to tell them again.

A man came up to me afterwards and hugged me like we were family. He told me he lost his mother five years ago that day. He went on to tell me how vibrate and funny and full of life his mother was and how much she would have loved my show. My heart broke for this man. I felt his pain in his words and watched as his hands trembled when spoke of his mother. We hugged again, and then he went on to tell me how much it helped to hear those words at the end of my show as he started to tear up. We hugged once more, only longer and tighter as I let him cry a little locked in my embrace and without judgement.

Comedy has taken me literally all over the world. It's put food on my table and introduced me to so many truly incredible people. Now, it's opening up a new level of connection between me and my audience and It feels so good to be able to help. Even if that means that person gets to escape their own thoughts for a few moments or by letting them know that's it's okay to let laughter echo in the darkness.

IT'S OKAY TO LET LAUGHTER ECHO IN THE DARKNESS.

Mom and I circa 2014

Mom and I circa 2014

I said it before and I'll say it again, let's not continue to give into sulking in the memories of our loved ones who have passed before us. Instead, let's laugh and enjoy our lives as if they were still right there beside us in those moments. Don't feel like you need to stop enjoying your life because they no longer can enjoy theirs. Carry them with you, always and forever and allow yourself to laugh at a well crafted dick joke every once and awhile. ;-)

Hugs from Phoenix,
M

It's Christmas, Stupid.

As most of you already know, last year I co-wrote, directed and starred in a dark comedy about a family that was falling apart as they came together for the Holidays. The film got rave reviews and won "Best Picture" in several film festivals and is up for even more this year including "Best Comedy/Drama" and "Best Ensemble Cast." I am beyond proud of this cast and crew and the journey of the film. However, nobody outside of the festival circuit really got to watch it.

So this year I decided to break the film down into a five part series and put it up on YouTube for ALL of you to see this Holiday season! :-)

Well, the time has come and it is NOW AVAILABLE! So escape from family dinner. Grab a bottle of wine, maybe a Christmas tree to smoke ;-) and treat yourself to a binge session of my dark comedy original series, "Bethlehem."

If you enjoy it, please help us spread the word. Tweet about it. Facebook it. Instagram that sh*t. Whatever it is you do, please help us out and SHARE! Happy Holidays everybody!

WATCH. LAUGH. SHARE!

"LIKE “ROSEANNE” AND JOHN HUGHES COMEDIES, IT SPLITS YOUR SIDES AND THEN SNEAKS UP ON YOU WITH WARMLY FAMILIAR, HEARTFELT MOMENTS."

- SAM WATERMEIER -

“IT’S FUNNY, MOVING AND ABOVE ALL, FIENDISHLY ENTERTAINING."

- Philip Smolen -

"MALONE CLEARLY UNDERSTANDS THAT SOMETIMES HUMOR IS FOUND IN THE SILENCE AND IN WHAT'S NOT SAID, AS MUCH AS WHAT IS SAID."

- RICHARD PROPES -

"JUST FEELS FRESH AND UNIQUE."

- James DePaolo -

"IT’S RUDE AND CRUDE BUT ALSO BATHED IN A WARM LIGHT, AS IF FILMED THROUGH A HAZE OF NOSTALGIA."

- Sam Watermeier -

WATCH BETHLEHEM HERE!

Before we get started, I want to say THANK YOU for all the love and support we have received on our little film. All the reviews have been fantastic, and the response at the film festivals have been pretty incredible so far. I am insanely proud of the cast/crew I was lucky enough to work with. I think we really captured something special. Bethlehem is a nod towards those 90's Holiday classics only with some balls. Pardon my french. I think Sam Watermeier from NUVO Magazine described the film the best saying; "IT’S RUDE AND CRUDE BUT ALSO BATHED IN A WARM LIGHT, AS IF FILMED THROUGH A HAZE OF NOSTALGIA." It is very crude, so put the kids to bed - Bethlehem is a Christmas story for ADULTS ONLY. (Due to Strong Language)

It's a beautiful little film that a lot of people worked really hard on and I want to share it with you...However like I just mentioned, A TON of hard work went into making this film and YES you can watch it on your phone or iPad or computer BUT I beg you, PLEASE stream it to your television via VIMEO app. The film is colored and has audio enhancing for your television not your devices. To truly get the best feel for the film, PLEASE stream it to your TV. You can do so by using Chromecast, Apple TV, Xbox, Ruku (see more). 

Last but not least, the film will only be available to stream on December 24th and 25th. That's right, Christmas Eve and Christmas night ONLY folks. You can pre-order it now and watch it with friends and family after they get good and drunk after Christmas dinner!

<< PRE- ORDER IT NOW >>

ONE LAST THING -- Help us spread the word tweet/instagram/facebook about the film when you watch it with the hashtag #BethlehemTheMovie 

"BETHLEHEM REMINDS US THAT BEHIND EVERY HOUSE DECKED-OUT WITH CHRISTMAS DECORATIONS IS A STORY OF A FAMILY STRUGGLING TO KEEP IT TOGETHER IN A WORLD MORE CONDUCIVE TO ITS FALLING APART."

 - Michael S. DeBurger - 

“BETHLEHEM” IS A ROWDY ADULT COMEDY ABOUT TRYING TO DEAL WITH THE PEOPLE WHO KNOW JUST HOW VULNERABLE WE REALLY ARE INSIDE. IT’S FUNNY, MOVING AND ABOVE ALL, FIENDISHLY ENTERTAINING."

- Philip Smolen -

"MALONE CLEARLY UNDERSTANDS THAT SOMETIMES HUMOR IS FOUND IN THE SILENCE AND IN WHAT'S NOT SAID AS MUCH AS WHAT IS SAID."

- Richard Propes -

"IT IS SMART AND QUICK, BUT YET NEVER GOING INTO A JUVENILE DUMBNESS. THIS FILM JUST FEELS FRESH AND UNIQUE."

- James DePaolo -

 




Mother's Day

I know I share stories on stage about how fun and wonderful my mom is, but the truth is; She's much more than that. We all think our parents as super hero's when we are young. Bulletproof, and with the strength of ten men. Then you grow up and you come to realize just how fragile they really are. 

The relationship with my mother has changed so much over the years. The turning point that I think we all share, is the moment you realize that they are only human. They are just like you... Trying to make it work, figure it all out. We forget there was a time when they were young and full of hope and curiosity. They stayed out past curfew to go to concerts, dive bars and even had a few walk of shames. We block that out. We think there was no way mom would understand, she doesn't get it. She does.

I played a college last fall and it was "Mother Daughter Night." There was an entire showroom full of awkward moms nervously awaiting to see what their precious daughters were gonna laugh at, and the daughters feeling the exact same way about the moms. I stopped mid joke and addressed the room with the advice to relax. I reassured the crowd that it was okay for both parties to laugh at the dirty jokes. I expressed that I thought it was hilarious that all weekend the daughters have probably been thinking "Oh my God, I can't til Mom leaves so I can get drunk." and the moms are thinking, "Oh my God, I can't wait to leave so I can get drunk." So just be honest with each other. Drink with your mother this weekend. The sooner you are open and honest about who you really are, the sooner you will find out who they really are. You only get one life, so get drunk and laugh at some dick jokes with your mother. 

Now I don't think I'll be asked back to give a commencement speech, but I think I made my point that night. The more open and honest you are with them the better your relationships will be, trust me.

It's hard being a parent, I know because I'm not one. On purpose. The amount of dedication, sacrifice and unconditional love that gets put upon their shoulders is truly unmeasurable. So to all you Mother's out there; Thank you. 

And to my momma; I love you. It's been a long and fucked up road we've been on, but I couldn't have asked for a better chaperone on this journey of life. 

Second Time Around

BIG NEWS: I was featured on an all new episode of "LAUGHS" on FOX TV last Saturday & Sunday night. This is my second time doing the show and it was even more fun than the first time around! We recorded it at the beautiful Pechanga Comedy Club in Temecula California.

I arrived early and hung out backstage with the other comics on the show trading war stories and bouncing jokes off each other. Whenever there is a festival or TV show situation like this where there are multiple comedians under one roof it's always a guaranteed night to remember. Summer camp for comics is what I call it.

"LAUGHS" airs on Saturday and Sunday nights on FOX TV, please check your local listings (Click Here) and support this show. It is such an amazing opportunity for comedians, and shows like this need to celebrated way more. 

Do me a favor... SHARE THIS VIDEO! 

Saturday Night Live

 

My whirlwind weekend wrapped up over at the beautiful Strand Theatre in Shelbyville Indiana last Saturday night. I have not been back to the Strand in almost three years, however it still remains one of my favorite venues to play in the country. The crowds there are so warm and welcoming, the staff treats you like family and venue itself is as gorgeous as it is old. 

My buddy Derik "Tugboat" Zooashkiyani drove up from Tennessee to open for me and absolutely KILLED it. I met him a few years ago down in Chattanooga and immediately hit it off like long lost brothers. He has only been doing comedy for a few years but I am so proud of his progress, dedication and drive. You can see him on tour with me this fall on some theatre dates down south, trust me - you don't wanna miss out when "Tugboat" comes to town.

I can't even begin to thank you guys enough for coming out to the Strand Theatre. We almost had a full house during the beginning of a blizzard coming to town. There were 150 tickets pre-sold in a city that has maybe 200 people living in it. Your continued support truly warms my heart and reassures me how lucky I am to be able to do what I love for a living. 

Here are some clips of my one hour special "Casual Sext" that I recorded at the Strand Theatre a few years ago.. Enjoy!



SNEAK PEEK: NEW ALBUM

 

Help get Thirty One featured on iTunes front page! Pre-Order TODAY!

AVAILABLE ON iTUNES 3/10/15

Listen to one of the tracks from my new comedy album, Thirty One, via Uproar Entertainment. This album is two years in the making, and I am really proud of how it turned out. 

Thirty-One explores aging, life, death, and the idiotic ways we deal with all four. I reveal my own demons and vices in hopes it makes you feel more comfortable with your own. We are all just broken puzzle pieces, let's try and fit together to make something beautiful. 

Watch Me On The Talky Box!

In case you missed me on FOX TV's new show "Laughs" here I am breaking down the use of Bro, Dude, and Sir and how they change with age. 

Watch. Laugh. SHARE!

It's just a ride...

bill-hicks.jpg

20 years ago today comedian Bill Hicks passed away. My favorite of all time, hands down - no questions asked. Incredible loss to not only comedy but society. All those jokes you've heard about smoking, positive drug arguments, backlash on the government, standing up for your rights etc - Bill did them first. His honesty mixed with his like-ability venom made him stand out from his peers for generations. 

Do yourself a favor, and when you get home tonight from work click on the video below and learn what made him so different and important in the comedy world.

"The world is like a ride in an amusement park. And when you choose to go on it you think it's real because that's how powerful our minds are. And the ride goes up and down and round and round. It has thrills and chills and it's very brightly coloured and it's very loud and it's fun, for a while. Some people have been on the ride for a long time and they begin to question: 'Is this real, or is this just a ride?' And other people have remembered, and they come back to us, they say, 'Hey, don't worry, don't be afraid, ever, because this is just a ride.' And we kill those people."

- Bill Hicks -