Is this Grieving?
"It's not fair!!" I screamed into the night sky. "Why would you take them both from me?! WHY?! Answer me you fucking coward!!" I continued to scream as loud as I could.
I had excused myself from my cousin's wedding reception to find a quite place to yell into the darkness. I had spent the past few days surrounded by close friends, family and my fiancé down in Florida for a destination wedding. A wedding my mother was supposed to attend before she passed.
My mother was my best friend, and yes I'm aware how cliche that sounds. I'm pretty sure the majority of people are split down the middle when it comes to parent child relationship status. People either have a really great relationship with their parents or they were locked in a small box most of their childhood and seek revenge now that they're free. Our relationship was very much the first.
My mother passed away last June, two days after her birthday. A little over a year before that I lost the only father figure I've ever known. I have been left behind, an orphan at the age of thirty two.
I don't like to cry, I was brought up being taught it was a weakness. I try to hold back my emotions and I often mask them with humor. It's just the way I'm programmed. People probably thought I was a psychopath path at my mother's funeral. I was smiling and shaking hands next to her casket like I had just got off stage. "Thanks for coming out!" Jesus, what a nut job right? But the alternative would have been me curled up in a fetal position in the corner of the funeral home balling my eyes out, listening to old Counting Crows albums on repeat.
I don't even remember much of the funeral to be honest. Everything was an emotional blur that I have successfully blocked out. I do however remember holding her hand in the casket. I just stood there holding her hand, starring down at her... Waiting... Waiting for her to wake up.
No one ever taught me how to grieve properly, despite that fact that I've dealt with loss and tragedy since I was eight years old. My Grandfather passed away from Alzheimer's. That was hard. I have such a big place in my heart for families that are dealing with that disease. Half the time I was his dead son, the other half his wife or an old friend from the war. Very rarely was I actually his grandson. Before that my Uncle was murdered and at the tender age of twelve I lost my father.
You would think I'd be numb by now. I should be. In the past year alone I've lost a step father, a grandmother, an uncle, a great aunt and now my mother. Fuck, I even had a car die on me. I've been to five funerals in the past year, and only three weddings my entire life. And two of those weddings were for the same friend!
So there I am, standing out of the balcony of this beautiful hotel in the florida keys, starring up to the night sky wondering what the fuck I have done to deserve this. What evil did I do in my past timelines? Why would he or she or it take both of my parents from me back to back like that? I'm only thirty two years old... What do you do at this age without your parents? I kept asking myself that question over and over again until I finally fell apart.
"You think you're stronger than me?! Is that it? You think you can get rid of me by taking them away?! Is it me that you want?!! Huh?! Well, FUCK. YOU! Come and get me if you want me that bad! I'm gonna live FOREVER!" I'm screamed at the top of my lungs. I actually thought at that moment the universe wanted me to off myself. As if it was after me the whole time. It wanted to take everything I loved away and watch me slowly die off.
Is this grieving?
I don't think it is, not the grieving I'm familiar with at least. The grieving process I know goes like this; Act like nothing is wrong. Continue acting like nothing is wrong. Hold it together as long as you can until you burst into tears in a McDonald's drive-thru line at two in the morning because they are blasting a song on their shitty outdoor speakers that reminds you of the person you lost. Pull it together. Repeat.
All I know is this, I have never felt pain like I feel now. Directly after I found out about my mother passing I was in too much shock to even realize what was reality wasn't. The funeral was a blur and after that I was drowning in hundreds of people condolences and sorrowing messages. No time to grieve then. Then the people left and I was stuck with a house to sell and bills to sort. Now those have all faded and all I'm left with is the memory of my mother. Back to life, back to reality. Here I am, just wading in the calm of the aftermath.
I would die a hundred times over to talk to my mother again. I find myself waking up in the middle of the night in tears I can't explain. My emotions have turned against me. They are now attacking me when I sleep.
Is this grieving?
I dried my eyes with my shirt sleeve and cleaned myself up a little. I walked back to the party and danced in the rain surrounded by good music, great friends and what's left of my beautiful family. No one knew where I disappeared to, and even if they did I would deny every tear. That's not who I am to them or anyone else. I'm fun, full of life and most importantly, stronger than this fucking universe thinks I am.