I almost died on St. Patrick’s Day, and I was sober. I was headlining the Tacoma Comedy Club in, you guessed it-Tacoma Washington. After the show on St. Patrick’s Day the owner took me out to get a bite to eat and show me the location of the new club they were opening. On our way back to his condo we saw that everyone was still out partying. The entire city was alive with excitement, people were either standing in line waiting to get in or walking the streets to find more beer. A bar named O’Mally’s had a line 100 people deep, I was informed this was the only night people ever went there. Irish Holiday plus Irish name equals more green things: money. O’Reily’s Auto Parts was slammed during the day, people only wanted to buy spark plugs from leprechauns! We pasted by one spot, all dudes, so I chimed in with:

“Wow, what a sausage fest!”

The Owner responded with “Yeah, that’s a gay bar.”

“Huh..Fair enough.” I said in a defeated tone.

We saw all walks of life that night. Including two young chubby Latino girls in skirts so short their ass cheeks were hanging out, but don’t worry because they were wearing winter coats with fur trim. In my personal opinion you should never wear fur and no panties. “Girl my coochie is cold”. That’s because you don’t have a foxtail wrapped around it.

We were people watching, hard and heavy. Then we saw her, please excuse my bluntness but I’m a stand up comedian and professional people watcher; The fattest woman I have ever seen in my entire life, she was built like a love seat. She was wrapped up what appeared to be a green bed sheet, or couch cover or some sort. She was also wearing a tiara, because she’s a princess duh, and the tightest glasses I have ever seen. They were sucked onto her face so hard they looked like goggles. The latch in the middle was barely holding on, any second now they would snap and need to be taken to the village welder. If I had to describe her I would say she looked as if she ate Aqua man and then tried to fit into his costume. The best part of it is she thought she looked AMAZING! She had a little sassy strut to her walk and everything.

The owner rolls down the window and yells – “I loved you in Ghostbusters!!”.

We couldn’t look away, we were laughing so hard we were crying. By the way, it is 1am and I am stuffing my face with as much taco bell as I possibly can while judging her. “Look at that fat ass, now where is my 7 layer burrito?!” In the midst of looking for more horrible food to throw down my gullet I happen to see that we are rapidly approaching a stop light with cars already at a halt about 15 yards in front of us. I am not a back seat driver, so I calmly just say, “Yo man, we are about to wreck.” He is still looking at the girl so he has no clue what I’m talking about; he thinks I know so new slang or something. “Yeah man we about to wreck that pussy! Yeah! Lets tag team her!” He responds while laughing. “No man, um we are about to wreck!” I make it more clear by pointing ahead and making eye contact with him. “Oh shhhiit!” he realizes how serious the situation is and makes a harsh turn jack knifing us into the turn lane.

Everything goes slow motion. Have you ever seen those Astronaut movies where something goes wrong? It was just like that. Food Particles explode out of the bag and fly through the air as I yell out “Thhhhhiisss iss hooowww iiiii dddddiiieeee!”.

But we don’t, we survive.

We are jack knifed in the turn lane, covered in ground beef and diet soda still uncontrollably laughing like little school girls, tears rolling down our faces from laughter and excitement. And I know what your thinking, this story seemed a little harsh in some places but the reality of it is that I know deep down in my heart that she is telling the same story only from a different angle. “Girl you should have seem me on St Patrick’s Day, uh huh I was looking sooooo good! I was stopping traffic girl! Hell yeah I was wearing my tiara, shoot this one dude almost wrecked his car he was looking at me so hard.”