12-31-05 : !!HAPPY NEW YEARS MOTHER TRUCKERS!! My new years resolution is to teach women all over the world the "giving" is better than "receiving"!
12-31-05 : Temp Location - diarrhea Commercial Click Here
12-31-05 : Currently working on the new video page because there isn't enough room for all the new stuff..
12-31-05 : This is a picture of my very good friend Cliffy Capone and I New Years Eve a few years back... Fun fact- We ARE SOBER...not one drink in us, we just wanted to look like we had an awesome new years bash lol... truth be told we sat in my parents kitchen hanging out...and no we didnt kiss when the ball dropped!
12-30-05 : I was visiting a good friend of mines website, Comedian/Actor George Caleodis (www.caleodis.com) and i watched one of his videos and i fell in love with it and id like to share it with you america, well the 5 people that read this lol so heres the direct link to the video named "Dudes at the Bar"... So Click, Watch and Enjoy! MOVIE
12-29-05 : This is an email i received from a good friend of mine named capone..
mother fucker. i read your journals. not one
mention of my name, what, you embarassed? WE kicked some ass in cards, even
though we are the worst players in history, just like in B-Ball. you know that
when we pair up we cannot be stopped, not even contained. no pictures of me
either. old friend, OLD FRIEND. bitch, the *** *** is an old friend. i am still
fucking around, crazy as usuall. the next time i see you i am going to cut you
the fuck-up, like a fucking pig, mother fucker. fuck cutting you that is to good
for you. you would just brag about it like 50 Cent. the next time i see you i am
going to take your camera and shove it up your ass. the next short film you can
put on myspace will be a clip called, Mike's Colon: The Adventure Wally Nutt and
C. Nibblet. yeah i know you know where i am going with this joke. you think you
have balls playing bill cosby, but yet you won't talk about the the comedy that
lies deepest in you. you are one funny guy, keep it up.
sin,
capone
12-28-05 : NEW VIDEO : temp location - click here!
12-28-05 : Longest Journal Entry Ever...I call it the ultimate survey...
Last Movie Rented: Garden State, I enjoyed it but it reminded me of a depressing version of Napoleon Dynamite. Very Odd.
Last CD Played: umm, Talib Kweli- the beautiful struggle. Go buy it!
Last Book Read: I never really learned how, but I just skimmed thru a really well done hotel pamphlet. It had pop up pictures, which really impressed me.
AREA CODE: 740, I’m from a small town in Ohio. Where it’s popular to go bowling…yea…and they wonder why I left.
ZODIAC SIGN: I’m a Pieces. A lot of people don’t believe in that stuff but mine fits me perfectly, I don’t think my own mother could describe me as well as it does.
Three things I can never resist are: 1. Sales, my friend makes fun of me because if I see anything for like 2 for one or something like that I snag it up. Doesn’t matter what it is, “Dude! They got AIDS on sale 2 for one! Grab as much as you can!” 2. I don’t think I could resist an offer to spin the wheel on the price is right, id have to represent. 3. A good afternoon blow***, sorry I mean...uh... an afternoon nap.
What turns me on is? Honestly, laughter… it give me this natural high I cant explain. I know it sounds so corny and rehearsed but I’m serious. So ladies, learn to laugh more! I hate feeling like it’s a pain to conversate and to be yourself, were just people here people put down your guard and laugh.
The most annoying thing ever is: Coins, I hate it when stuff comes to like 19.01 and I don’t have a penny and the 48 yr old robot cashier wont cut me a break and I get 98 f***ing cents back. Especially when they say “Now you have a penny...” after they hand me the change!
Aliens? Never been to Canada, but I know they exist because my friend went there for his birthday.
What do you do with your spare time? Stalk B list celebs. And I try and to save some “me” about twice a day, if you know what I’m saying.
Who do you hang out with, mainly? Honestly I’m always working so I’m always around Jay Hendren and Ryan Faber. They are my business partners, co-writers, producers, directors and fellow comics. So I see them about 98% of my life.
Die in a fire or drown? Id like to catch fire because I was trying to do a really kick a** stunt. And I would run to the nearest body of water to get not on fire and when I jump in I drown.
What was the last concert you attended? I was actually supporting a local band back home, Wee Waffle Castle and I don’t want to brag or anything but they rock. I think there going to be the next Hanson…I’m serious, you watch.
Did you dream last night? Yes I was in a gun fight with the band skid row. Wait that was the other night. No last night I was singing topless at a Chinese restaurant as my old high school marching band watched and put tips in my thong, which is really strange because I don’t even eat Chinese food.
What's your favorite store? Target! I love it, I’m addicted, it’s like crack to me. I can’t stay away.
Do you care what people think about you? Have you seen my act?! I kind of sort of do a little bit in the way that I want to challenge people. Example I did a video skit for my site awhile back where I played Bill Cosby, and some people that saw it flipped out and told me I couldn’t do that because it was racist for a white guy to play an African American guy. So instead of taking it down and kicking myself and going man that was a bad idea, I did the opposite. I left it up, showed more people and I wrote a skit where I played him again and I wrote a skit that we haven’t shot yet but it involves an all white cast to play Snoop Dogg, bill cosby, mike Tyson, and Dave chappelle. I love it when people say “You can’t say, or do that”.
Goals for the Future: World Domination. And to try and workout more, I’m already up to 3 push ups a month.
Goals for the present: I want to in pregnant America with malonecomedy.com I want it to be little kids first words, I want old people with altimerz to remember and love it. I want to get it in subtitles for foreign people so they can laugh. I want to make malonecomedy.com an empire.
12-26-05 : Current location : the dungeon editing my life away.... 2 skits down one more to go....
12-26-05 : Ah yes i was home for the holidays.. back home to good ol marion... the most boring town in the entire world. In all honestly i had a great time with my friends. I went and saw one of my friends band "Wee Waffle Castle" who rocked and rolled.. Then i played cards and ate pizza with the boys on xmas eve.. And of course i got to see my best friend red, and i called her enough names and made her life hell to last til the next time im home... i wish i woulda took some pictures i even had my camera but oh well ill find some old ones and post'em up.. And Finally on xmas i spent the entire day with the family at my aunts house eating retarded amounts of food and playing pictionary. So all in all it was good times!!
12-24-05 : MERRY XMAS : xmas is a time for giving and sharing and finding things on sale that you wouldnt wear in a million years and wrapping it up and giving it to friends or family with giant smiles on your face. I love hearing the words " I almost bought this the other day.." I love the first look when the present is opened and they realize that someone really did get them a tie rack, or warm socks, i want to put a reality show together just off xmas present reactions... i want real presents this year, i put down real things i wanted on my list... like lap dances, a french maid outfit, hot young mexican maid, world domination, hot passionate sex with hillary duff, one katrillion dollars, and finally the best of benny hill on DVD...is that too much to ask for?? i think not, and ive been good more than 60% of the year so i hope tommar under the tree i at least get 96% of the things i asked for :)
12-21-05 : SPECIAL THANKS : to everyone who came out and shot with us today, i
cant wait to edit these you guys rock and im glad you came out to help seriously you all were awesome!
12-21-05 : LONG DAY... we shot 3 video skits today, they were all tons of fun recording and i hope you have half the fun we had when you watch them.. I dont think they are gonna be done for before xmas tho because im heading home to be with the fam but i promise they will be up before the first! Just to give you a taste of what we shot here are some production photos as always...
12-20-05 : Dreams are what make people rob banks, and deal drugs, and rape women, I’m serious think about it.
“Billy what do you want to be when you grow up?”
“I want to be the president!”
Then he grows up and gets in the real world and realizes college is a waste and he has a better chance at fucking an Olson twin then running this country so he buys a ski mask and stops by the 7-11 on his way home. Next thing you know you turn on the news and there is some psycho stealing little girls and chopping them up and hiding them in the bottom of rivers, and you know who that sicko is? Billy!! Little Billy with all those wonderful dreams you told him to have. I say don’t ask anyone what they want to be until there at least 26, that way they’ve had a taste of life and can give you a good estimated answer like janitor, or road worker. Because America always needs someone to build new shit and clean up the old shit. I’m not saying don’t dream, I’m simply saying keep it reasonable.
12-18-05 : LETTER TO ALL THE HOLIDAY SHOPPERS : umm just something to remember when your walking from store to store in the crowded parking lots, i have a CAR you dont... I WIN !! i almost hit a family of 7 the other day bc people are fucking retarded! "They should have a stop sign" NO! YOU should have a stop sign in your head that says hmm he has a TRUCK i should maybe not cross in front of him with my wife and child! I swear the next person to dart in front of me bc "we have to stop" i WILL hit them, and i WILL laugh, and i WILL more than likely get out and act like im really worried and come to their rescue but only to ask them if they are fucking retarded and didnt see my car thats made of 30353 tons of fucking metal!?!?!
12-18-05 : Snow is worthless, what does it do? What is the fucking purpose of snow?!? Rain helps the land, and makes things grow and be healthy, the sun heats things up and also helps with crops and life in general. But SNOW! nothing, it helps nothing at all. If it did anything good like the sun or rain or the wind even then we would have machines in our houses that do the same thing think about it. The sun we have lights and heat, wind we have a/c, rain we have showers and sinks and sometimes peacock water supply tanks, but never have you went to someone's home and they were like,"oh, you better leave your shoes on, mary left the snow machine running all night, i was up at 5am shoveling the living room." SNOW is worthless and i vote we get rid of it.
12-17-05 : Also to anyone who cares i will be going back to my hometown of Marion on the 22nd and ill be there at the rents house until the 26th so if you need me, want me just get ahold of me you have my number, and if you dont have it, then either A) we dont like each other B) you havnt asked.
12-17-05 : RANDOM THOUGHT : How much wood could a wood chuck chuck if a wood chuck could chuck wood. Ive always thought the better question is, what the fuck is a wood chuck?! Ive never studied that animal in school, it never lived on old mcdonalds farm, ive never seen Jack Hannah bring one on the tonight show.. i tried to look it up even after ages of hearing this tongue twisting tale and the only pictures that came up were of chuck berry... so i guess the real twister should go : how much wood could chuck berry chuck if chuck berry could chuck wood... Now say that 5 times fast!
12-17-05 : Last night was prolly the best night of my last hands down... i cant go into details but just know that i love my job!
12-16-05 : Busy week coming up, ill be starting my week off at Wileys Comedy Club, then Wed were going to tape two skits, yes TWO brand new skits!! Then im gonna try and post them before i head home for the holidays.. Also if anyone has ANY ideas about New Years let me know bc i have no plans yet, thinking about flying out to Chi Town or something random and exciting so get at me!
12-15-05 : SPECIAL THANKS TO THE BLUE MOON EVENT CENTER in grove city i really cant thank you guys enough for having us! If you need a room try them http://www.bluemoonmeeting.com/
12-15-05 : Last night was not a good turn out, 3 out 8 girls showed up..BUT they were exactly what we were looking for and im actually gonna try and get one of them to do a short film with us later this year but shhhh dont tell crystal bc she dosnt know yet. Anyways there was some dentist convention in the meeting hall next door, so after our auditions we walked over and did a show for them, it was alot of fun, very random but fun. Anyways heres a couple shots i took last night at the audition, i kept forgetting to take pics so this is all i have lol...Special thanks to Drew Hanson who came with, thanks again for coming out!
12-13-05 : I stayed up last night til 3am editing the skit but its all done and posted so check it motha truckers! I think i might have scared some people last night at the funnybone. I did my war joke thats very VERY pro war and i dont think people knew it was ok to laugh, bc i wasnt doing "me and my girlfriend" jokes you know. I dunno maybe ill post a clip of it..maybe...doubt it....
12-12-05 : We shot the commercial with Larry today im heading down to the batcave now to edit it so it should be up wed at the very latest but to hold ya over heres some production photos from today ...
12-11-05 : RIP RICHARD PRYOR : I remember sneaking out to the garage and putting on old richard pryor records, not cds or tapes, but records! And i never laughed harder than when i heard his bit about his pet monkey fucking his guest in ear, and all the jim brown stories he would tell. The man mastered the craft, he is a legend. He will be missed, he was missed when he was still alive, ppl thought he died years ago when he got sick and then comedy central aired the special " Im not dead yet motha fuckers! " just to let america know not to forget about him, which i dont think anyone ever could. I never got a chance to meet richard but hes one of the few that comics would listen and study and say "wow i wonder how he does it." People think its so easy to be a comedian you just come out and talk and go home, well its not. You forget all the traveling, and the nights your banging your head against the wall trying to figure out whats funny about pop tarts, or calling friends and family asking them odd questions like have you ever heard anyone do a bit on light bulbs? But Pryor was one of few who made it look easy. So do me a favor if you have no idea who richard is and have never heard his bits, or maybe you have hear and there but never sat thru an entire show, go rent something anything and sit down tongiht or this week sometime and watch him. PLEASE. Hes one of the few you HAVE to see. Heres a few quotes from other comics and of course a picture of richard. And here are some facts and figures on Pryor i found online so please read them http://www.eonline.com/On/Holly/Shows/Pryor/Facts/index.html
"Pryor peels back the
last layer of his battle-scarred skin to reveal the wretched demons that make
him the true King of Comedy, and the rest of us just pretenders to the throne."
-- Denis Leary
"Richard is the consumate
comic/jazz artist, and no one will ever touch his genius."
-- Chevy Chase
"Richard Pryor is truly
one of the great artists of our time. His comic genius and influence remain
unparalleled."
-- Eddie Murphy
"Richard Pryor is the
greatest stand-up who ever lived. He opened the biggest door and turned the
light on in the room."
-- Roseanne
12-10-05 : I watched 50 cent's movie "get rich or die trying" and it was pretty good except the fact that i wanna sell crack now instead of do comedy... comedy is such a pussy job i wish i had a gangster lifestyle full of drugs, whores and rap music, instead my life is laced with shirts with buttons,ear muffs when its cold and drunk ppl yelling "get er done" at me... if i could do it all over again, def be a gangster rapper, thatd be the life, beatin up women then sleepin with them, hustling crack and selling cds out of my trunk, buying guns and burning evidence...the list goes on america, so kids when the teacher asks what you wanna do with your life, rob them.
ps i know its a horrible pic k thanks bye
12-10-05 : What does it mean when your farts smell like windex?? Not that thats happening, i was just wondering if any doctors read this they could email me and uh let me know for my friend who has this problem....
12-09-05 : Im going back to cali to cali to cali, im going back to cali to cali.... Yes its offical im heading west back to LA Jan 5th thru the 14th ill post more when i know more about where and when ill be places so stay tuned to the same bat channel!
12-08-05 : MONDAY NIGHT the funnybone is having a showcase and im gonna stop by and do 5 or 10 mins. So if your 21 and your in the area stop by please! Ive been on the road forever and i havnt been around here i have tons of new stuff to talk about. So make sure you call if your coming and tell them your there to see me 614-471-5653 soooo ill see you all there no excuses!
12-08-05 : RAY CHARLES skit preview.. we were working on this and we havnt finished it yet because of our schedules but i want to share what we have so far. The idea is that i just get done watching the movie "ray" and i get inspired to honor him, so i decide to be blindfolded for 24 hours and i invite faber and Q over to tape record the whole thing. So here it is a sneak peek at our Ray Tribute - click here
12-08-05 : The new site is finally done, hope you all enjoy the new look, if not blow me.
12-06-05 : I went home for turkey day and i saw all my friends and family. And I didnt have my camera for any of it. But i did stop by the will of the good where i used to work. I got to see all "my people" and i did get a camera photo with someone very special who has always gave me hell about new material and the general dos and donts in life. Her name is "Big Sherry" thats what everyone knows her by, and i like her bc shes not afraid to give a little hell to the customers. I bet good money no matter what time you go in during the day shes gonna be yelling or saying something smart ass to a customer and i love it. They love it. I think thats half the reason they shop there. I worked with alot of great people when i was there, Patty and Big Mike in the back, mike always has a war story and patty always had my back and little sherri who i believe is only 3 foot 11, maybe 4 foot on a good day. Jackie who was always scheming her way out of work, which i could never figure out yet i would study her method like a young jet I knight. Scotty my old boss who i love, my voicemail says "tell me what you need" on it, very plain and simple, well scotty left me a message saying.."a blowjob" and hung up. Coolest boss in the world hands down. My great aunt terri works there, and i enjoy giving her hell whenever i can too, shes gotta be the coolest foul mouthed woman there and i love it. I could go on and on about all the people there but those are the ones that stick out in my mind bc i worked with them the longest, and i had the most fun with. So thank you. Ill be home for christmas so set some cookies out fuckers!
12-05-05 : I also received about 4 letters, chain letters that is, saying bill gates is sharing his wealth, if you ever receive one of those letters and you pass it on, please do us all a favor and learn to kick yourself in the face because your a retard. Bill is never going to share anything with you or me or even his own mother. Think about America, if you were bill gates would you spend your time sending chain letters and giving money to people who continue the chain. NO you wouldn't! Don't lie to make yourself look better. But it says it was on the news, NO it wasnt. So stop. And if you send me one i will come to your door and kick you in the face. I can do that bc i have that kinda money and time bc i passed on the letter and he's sharing most of his money with ME! so fuck off.
12-05-05 : Today was an odd day. Jay and I went over to pick up a dresser at this house his mom bought at a police auction and we came home with some random objects. Here are the items we brought home..
1. 1 porno movie
2. Fireworks
3. Telescope
4. I got a motorcycle
5. Jay got a buick
6. 2 jars of change
Then when we got home jay proceeded to make cookies. Odd VERY!
12-03-05 : Yesterday before the show i was cleaning house and i put up the xmas tree!! Id invite everyone over to see it but thats alot of work so i just took a picture of it. Dont make fun, and dont be jealous.
12-02-05 : I had a show tonight in a small town i couldnt even tell you the name. I showed up and it was like a family xmas party vibe, everyone knew each other, there were about 40 ppl there i thought i was going to beat laughter out of these people. BUT to my surprise the show was awesome, the whole time everyone was laughing and i had a blast so it just goes to show you that you dont have to have 300 people in some fancy comedy club to have a good show, prolly the most fun ive had in a long time.
11-30-05 : Since sunday ive been on my death bed.. i have the flu which is an entertainers worst nightmares! Its horrible, i cant swallow, which should be my boyfriends problem (im not really gay i just cant pass up a dick joke) ive just been laying in bed, no shaving, showering, eating even. But i have to get better, 2 reasons, i promised my mother id go and see gallagher, yes the comedian who smashes watermelons, i havnt even heard his name til i was about 14 so i think itll be interesting. The second reason is that i have a show friday night!! Can not fuck that up, so hopefully im back to 100% by tommar :)
11-28-05 : Sorry kids daddys been really busy.. i spent most of my week at the funnybone watching who i belive to be the funniest man to ever come out of columbus, Comedian Michael Loftus. Amazing, such high energy, i went 2 times this week and every show he did was completely different. He was such an inspiration and a motovation to watch and to hang out with. He lives in LA now and writes for the George Lopez Show but app he has plans with FOX for his own show so i cant wait... anyways check him out heres his website, it has a few clips on it but nothing compares to seeing him live of course, and yes his CD is worth it so order it bitches! www.michaelloftus.net .
11-22-05 : Okay kiddies, picture time! Gather round.. I just got ahold of these pictures from a boss players show we did at the soft rock cafe in dayton OH (4-09-05 Entry) .. ENJOY!!-oh, and dont ask questions just enjoy and make sure you make time to come see us live-
11-22-05 : HERO OF THE MONTH : Greg James is my hero of the month for obv reasons, we made a good team this month tag teaming Tenn, Washinton DC, and Miami, i love this guy. From riding scooters to tipping street performers we had a blast and i cant thank him enough, if you ever get a chance, shake his and look him square in the eye and say "cup my balls"... trust me on this, he'll understand, after you instruct him to do so i suggest you tell him malone told you to say it, or else he might come back with a "grab my shaft and say my name!" Alright enough inside jokes... thanks again man, i love ya and it aint the beer talkin..
11-22-05 : Heres a REAL quick clip of me not knowing how to use Jays digital camera the other night, i had it set to video instead of still picture, and this isnt the only video, theres 4 VIDEOS!!! but real quick heres one enjoy..
11-21-05 : Going home this week for turkey day, i miss my friends and fam, i havnt been back in my hometown for about 3 weeks... so i cant wait!!! Get at me Mtown, if you call me ill kick it with you i promise! Funnybone in Columbus tommar night, be there or be homo!
11-20-05 : BUSY BUSY BUSY : so in the past month ive been to Knoxville Tenn, cinnci, dayton,grove city, columbus OH, then on to washington DC and now im in Miami FL, then Kentucky, then i come home for a couple weeks then im off to NYC and West Virg., then im home for 2 weeks then im off to LA.... im workin on a calendar thingy for my website so none of you will any excuse not to come hang out at a show or two, im soo tired, i just wanna come home and relax, have a diet pepsi a nice blowjob WHAT? i mean a back massage and just drift to sleep after orgasm WHAT? i mean after i let loose and relax
11-20-05 : Dear funnybone in newport Kentucky,
You guys kick ass, i had so much fun with you tonight, i hope to hear from you soon. You told me you'd call, but i know how you crowds are, always seeing new and exciting younger comics. Forgetting about all the love and laughter we shared tonight, lets not forget i did the worm for you Newport, that should show you how much i care about you. Going to bed now... counting sheep and thinking only of you :)
-me, Jay Hendren, Ryan Faber in the Green Room-
11-18-05 : Thank you Miami FL I love you, you rock, everyone there was awesome!
11-14-05 : CAPTAINS LOG 0800 HOURS : ive discovered that taxi cabs in miami HATE scooters, some even go out of there way to swerve and even block passage for those aboard these wickedly wild machines of force and speed.
Oh and i totally look gay on my lil silver scooter, if you were wondering..
11-14-05 : When women say they dig bald men, i think they mean the ones that have a choice, not the ones who are bald bc of age and nature..
11-13-05 : Me and my buddy were talking the other day about masturbation. And I told him that I just haven’t had time lately, and he was puzzled he was confused and he goes “what do you mean you can’t find the time? How long does it take you?” And I told him that I like to make it worth it… when I decide that I want to, you know, raise the flag, choke the chicken, take my dog for a walk if you would, I take the time to do it right. I will uh light some candles, put on a little music, sometimes I even fix myself a little dinner before hand, but that’s always a last min decision because I like to be surprised. Sometimes ill even play hard to get with myself, through out the day ill tug or toggle with it for a couple mins and then stop, then wait a little bit and toggle some more. Im no whore, I make me earn it. My buddy couldn’t understand it, so I gave this advice and I want all you guys out there to try this ok, don’t "you know" for a week, then order some flowers to arrive the day you have planned out to be “the day”, send’em to work or something. Also dress up, wear some sexy underwear or at least the pair without any holes in’em. Go home with your flowers light some candles and play some Barry white, maybe a little Sinatra depends on how you feel, take a nice hot bath and play hard to get, then Wisk yourself into the bedroom and have it your way, afterwards you can go right to sleep and no one will be mad at you. I guarantee you the next day you’ll be a whole new person, and you'll take the time everytime.
11-12-05 : umm and now i presnt to you the view from my hotel room >> Miami FL >>
11-11-05 : umm theres a reason paris hilton is so fucking rich, i dont know how many of you have stayed at a hilton resort but WOW, fucking WOW, theres a live band in the lobby with a bar and a night club, theres a marble water fall out front like 15 stories high, if i didnt know any better id swear the is 14kt gold... the guy in the bathroom not only sprays cologne and hands out mints, he also holds your dick when you piss this place is amazing..im gonna try and get some sleep and dream up some scam that makes me tons of money so i can move to miami, maybe ill reinvent the ab wheel, or the hot dogger, you know that toaster looking thing that cooks the hot dogs on one side and toast the bun on the other..what if i added a nozzle on the side that had ketchup and mustard in it??!?! huh huh?!? who wouldnt love that?
11-09-05 : Thank You Washington, i love you, downtown was amazing!!
11-07-05 : Umm so i wanted to write something in here to my family and how great and special and loving and supportive they are and always have been, but no one really wants to read that so i think ill just tell some funny things about my family... Well my mom is 3'11 and has an Afro, she claims its a perm but i know better, shes not fooling anyone, Now on to my Step-Dad Wayner he just turned 123 years old and he can fix anything with wood, problem with ur phone, hell make ya knew one outta wood, if he were a surgeon we'd all have wooden parts like Pinocchio, and now on to my grandma or as shes better known as 0070, shes 70 some odd years old and she works for the Gov., she knows all, sees all, can tell ya what you had for a snack at 4am when shes been in bed since 7pm, but i love them and i give them all hell whenever i get the chance and believe me they give it back, i just wanted to give a shout outt o my family and let them know i miss them, aawwwe a hallmark moment here on malonecomedy.com how special lol
11-06-05 :
Ive realized that life is rather boring, im on the
road alot and ive seen alot of places and there all pretty much the same or at
least thru my eyes... so here are some things i do personaly when im bored...
1.My Space - Im a huge myspace junkie, its like crack, its the most addictive
thing to america since michael jackson... well old michael , you cant deny it i
bet everyone has tried to moon walk at least once in life (myspace)
2.F*cking with people- not emotions or anything, example i was at the airport
the other day and i was in line FOREVER you know how it goes and i started
talking to this guy outta no where complete stranger and i kept slippin
something crazy in our convo and being serious like, "When we get up to this bag
check if anything happens to me i need you to take this package to this
address.." lol it was awesome he didnt know what to say, i handed him this
little slip of paper ("the address") and he put it in his pocket, the note
really just had my website address on there lol but I WAS HAVING FUN, that was
fun for me
3.Obv Tell Jokes - i know not everyone enjoys it but ilove being on stage and
making people laugh, its like a natural high i cant describe it
4.Hanging out - If i could chose between a night out all expenses paid trip
anywhere in the world ANYWHERE with anyone or a night at home with all my
closest friends just hanging out and talking and goofing around id def choose
the hanging out, its been awhile since ive had the chance to kick it with my
friends it seems like im always a million places at once...or at least my mind
is, anyways my fav thing to do when i lived back in my hometown was to hang in
the kitchen with my friends until 4 or 5 in the morning.. so many kick ass
memories, esp trash night when luda is in town lol
11-04-05 : First night here i went over to this kareokee bar (cant spell) it was hilarious, if you cant have a good time at kareokee then you need to give up on life, ill mail you a bullet, its such a blast to see these people who HAVE to know they cant sing, get some beers in them and get up on stage and start ruining songs, there was a 89 yr old man up there last night singing billy joel i mean come on, you can write things that funny, i love it when life gives you stuff like that, anyways i gotta get going america dont have to much fun without me.
11-03-05 : its been a long time, i shouldnt have left you, without a dope beat to step to! Anyways i just flew into washington DC im here for a week, should be fun, really nice hotel free wireless internet which is always a plus, bc well im addicted to the internet.
10-30-05 : Sorry i dont have the video up here yet from our cinnci show, my laptop likes to be a homo and shut down while im rendering video sooo as soon as i can solve that ill have some clips up--Malone Out
10-29-05 : F*CK Grove City
10-27-05 : We taped the show last night so ill post what i can for those who missed it!
10-26-05 : Also Im gonna be leaving next Fri the 4th to fly out to washington DC for a week then im headin on down to Miami Florida for a week, ill let ya know where ill be so you can come see me! peace out!
10-26-05 : Thank you to Go Bananas Comedy Club in Cinnci OH, had a blast with you guys... hopefully see you guys soon YOU F*CKIN ROCK!
10-24-05 : Just got home from Knoxville, what an eye opener to say the least. Theres abos nothing in Tenn besides places to eat and places to drink, im no kidding. But i loved the speed limits there, thru town they were 50mph! zzzooommm! hope you didnt wanna go to walmart cus we flew by that shit, im taking the inside lane, do you need to stop at taco bell? Knoxville dont F*ck around, they were all about there beer their country music and their food god dammit, but all in all it was a good time, i cant complain i got to see more of the world ya know.
10-21-05 : NOTE TO SELF : Save up money, build a bar in back yard, copy dress code from the bar tonight, casting couch all wait staff, and make it a private place just me and the ones i keep close to me, hire jafari as a bodyguard.
10-21-05 : Umm Knoxville is treating us pretty well, we went to a bar tonight and all the waitress's and bartenders there were wearing black panties and black bras' and black leather chaps, and everyone there was line dancing to 50 cent and dr dre, i know it sounds like i was on heavy drugs but i promise america this place is real!
10-20-05 : Greg has been training me, and soon im gonna be a Golden Tee pro.
10-20-05 : We drove 10 hours today...but we made it! we stopped at a "as seen on tv" store, i wanted to buy a flowbee just so i can say i own one, but it was kinda pricey, im no flowbee expert but ah 49 dollars is a little much for braggin rights.
10-17-05 : Heading to Knoxville Tenn this weekend if anyone wants to hang out let me know bc i image ill be pretty bored seeing how I KNOW NO ONE
10-17-05 : Next week is a busy week, i should be at the following, funnybone mon, scarlet and grey tues, ruby tues wed, and ill be at wileys in dayton on sun, those are my plans for next week, i dunno tho i havnt done stand up in a month bc of the movie so im a little rusty and i have about 8 pages of new stuff soooo we'll see how it goes.. so if your planning on coming out you might wanna wait a couple weeks til i get back into the swing of things so you dont see me do all new material and think im a complete jackass moron
10-15-05 : Also the site is almost up and running for our movie, as soon as its done ill let you know and you can watch the whole movie its all up there plus tons of bonus features including behind the scenes interviews and exclusive photos so look for that VERY soon!
10-15-05 : i was at the funnybone last night and i watched Nick Griffin, you guys have got to check him out! Hes abso worth it, his site is www.nickgriffin.net he was so angry and so better it was GREAT. So check him out boys and girls.
RANDOM THOUGHT : If money really did grow on trees how much would the trees cost...
10-13-05 : The show last night wasnt all that bad... ppl came in late, but there were about 20 total... good show except for this one guy kept talking all the way thru half the GD show, then jay yelled at him and he shut up so it was all good after that..nothign really exciting going on, staying busy with the movie still, tryin to make a trialer and finish the site and its all done forever and ill stop talking about it lol..
10-11-05 : If anyone has MYSPACE add me! please and thank you!
10-11-05 : Sorry ive been you guessed it trying to get this movie done, but its offical its done.. im working on the site now details later!
10-07-05 : And now my very good friend and funny man duo partner comedian Ryan Faber eating a giant weiner..
10-07-05 : I have a horrible memory, im the guy you have to explain old stories too for like 10 mins before it jogs my memory and i know what the hell your talking about... its hard remembering who your friends and enemies are with a memory like mine you know...
"hey malone, what are you doing later?"
" I think me and todd are gonna go catch the game."
"I thought you hated todd??"
"why would you think that, todds a great guy..?"
"he punched your mom when we were in the 8th grade!"
"oh yea...i f*cking HATE todd!!"
10-07-05 : its 530am...working on the LAST scene of the movie before its all done, and i swear to god the program crashes.....back to step one...yea ive been workin on this project for 2 weeks....its due tues...
10-06-05 : So if you know anything about me, you would know im a HUGE john mayer fan, HUGE! And i was checking his site out a few days ago like i tend to do and i noticed that he is going a different direction, hes doing Blues now with whats called the John Mayer Trio.. the man is amazing and i cant wait for the album, i encourage everyone to check his site out its pretty kick ass... www.johnmayer.com
P.S. John Mayer is so good, even id F*ckin Blow him...
10-06-05 : Im either gonna shoot this Mac G4 or myself...thats what its come down too, the dealine for slamdance is tues and umm were kinda close to being done with movie.. we found a lost tape today and now i have to re-edit an entire 4 min scene, dosnt sound like much but theres about roughly 15-25 cuts in that 4 mins bc we used 4 cams the whole time... But faber finished the soundtrack pretty much and it adds SOOO much to the movie so now were all super excited, more later maybe even a teaser!
10-05-05 : Why am I excited about finding gas at 2.94 a gal.???? somethings wrong america, somethings wrong...
cant wait til we start building shit on the moon, ill be first in line... me, a couple Japanese guys and a monkey...like one big happy moon family.
10-04-05 : Food for thought... relationships are tricky, hard, and challenging, if you can find a way to make one work well then son you better keep a grip on her, and if she dosnt like the way things are then stop smacking her around when she dosnt have dinner ready...
10-04-05 : So i always say im editing and im tryin not to let too much footage leak out thats why i just link stuff to extras but f*ck it you deserve it america.. theres a scene at the end of the movie where these two real cops bust the bank robber, and we shot it like a cops tv show rip off...so heres a clip of that, just so you can get an idea of what were doing, now its raw footage, i just got done clippin it, no sound has been worked on or anything so its just been clipped, but here it is ENJOY!..
10-03-05 : hey malone, how did you spend your day? As an officer of the law baby!! we shot the final scenes for citizens arrest, we spent 7 hours shooting a 1 min clip...fun times, but it was a blast. On the way home we were still in costume, and Jay and larry were in the back seat and jay turned on the camera so we just started taping us answering random questions like they do on cops, so i made a little sketch out of it and im gonna put a couple pics up and then a link to the skit, so i hope you enjoy! Malone out-
VIDEO LINK (CLICK
HERE)
10-02-05 : Also, people say to me all the time, "mike you talk about hating or disliking alot of people whats the deal?"....do me a favor, go to your local walmart..spend an hour just one hour there, and tell me you dont hate everyone in this world ..
10-02-05 : So i bought a bookshelf at walmart today, HORRIBLE, its weak and unstable kinda like my uncle's bladder.. i LOVE walmart, no doubt about it, always have but this is terrible, the corners were all chewed off like some starving indian kid had it for a snack, i had to hammer in the shelves with actual nails so it would stand straight, after i thought i was done it was still slanted, so it cleans in the corner of my office...id take pictures but im still pretty angry and id prolly end up taking a hammer to my digi cam...
10-01-05 : When I get famous its going to be cigarettes and hooded sweatshirts for everyone...including children and nuns!
- Dedicated to my good friend Q Deezie -
10-01-05 : Like the new site?? huh huh?? give me some feed back, look i realize nobody goes here or even reads this shit but cant someone please send me an email just pretending they read this bullshit i like to call my journal? if you had a journal id comment...as a matter of fact if you email me and let me know what you think of the site or comments on any journal entries or anything and you list whatever your journal or blog thing is ill respond to something you wrote about...sound good? thought so.. hit me up! mike@malonecomedy.com
9-30-05 : AND NOW THE NEWS : TAKING HEADLINES AND PUTTING MY SPIN ON THEM :
"Dollars to doughnuts" - thats where our tax dollars go, to cops for doughnuts, this really happened america, i was driving home last night from a bar with comedian Jay Hendren (www.jayhendren.com) and LA Photographer Greg James and we passed this construction lane that had been marked off and closed down, well theres a cop car in the lane blocking it so no one can get thru and the lights are on and BUT the trick is no one is in the car...WHAT ARE WE PAYING THEM FOR!? Then this gets better... Greg was driving and we needed the road that was blocked off by empty cop cars, so greg busts a U turn which are illegal in ohio, out of nowhere this cop comes pulls us over...he stops greg for doing a U-turn after letting greg go he tells him to MAKE A U TURN and go the other way....
"A $2,000 an hour prostitute known as New York's No. 1 Escort pleaded not guilty on Thursday to charges of money laundering and prostitution that stemmed from her bragging in the media about her work."- looks like my mom wont be home for christmas this year.. :(
"Dutch Set to Expand" - Buying Nike running shoes instead of the old nike wooden clogs...
"Army in Worst Recruiting Slump in Decades" - theres a million things i could say here...
9-30-05 : Your Prolly wondering what project were working on lol, i dont think i mentioned it sooo.. maybe you knwo this maybe you dont, but we as in faber (www.fabercomedy.com) and i used to do a tv show in cinnci OH called citizens arrest, well we stopped doing the show almost 2 years ago, and weve just been sitting on the idea of it, so we finally worte and shot a short film for it and now were stuck editing it.. ps never shoot a short film its too much work and if oyu do save up money so you can hire an editor!! long story short faber and i actually grew mustaches for this project and i wore a fat suit and i wasnt allowed to cut my hair for a month. good times let me tell ya.Anyways heres some pics of chet bailey (me) and steve Mcblaine (faber) hope you enjoy! and when we have some video to post you best believe it will be a malonecomedy exclusive!
9-29-05 : This is my new home, the editing room, were struggling to get this film done in time for the slamdance film festival, thats why ive been so lazy with live comedy lately, ive been working hardcore on this project.. ill show ya a pic so you can see this makeshift ghetto editing room we have put together... yup thats in the basement... yup thats two cabinets and door made into a desk... yup i know your jealous.
9-25-05 : ok ok ok, the whole page is new and yes i have new videos to put up and yes i WILL update this stupid journal even though i know nobody comes here let alone reads my journal...but i promise this time it will be updated so keep checking
9-01-05 : This is something no performer shares ever...EVER...this is a top secret look at failure! I went to an open mic the other night in columbus OH to test out some new material...Ive never been to this place (Scarlet and Grey) before and i even called in advance to get some extra time to try new stuff, so i got this great set in mind im all pumped,cant wait... i do two of my old jokes and go straight into one of my new bits, which if you've seen my stuff before its all pretty much set up and punch line, but im switching over to more ranting and much louder longer bits, so this is my first time doing almost all rants and stuff, long story short heres a clip of me abso BOMBING the other night, these are the tapes you hide so NO ONE sees EVER, these are the tapes Hard Copy looks for... but F it, i figure why not, lets break some rules! here ya go, just click on this link and it should play the video (win media format).... comment if you feel the need but im not a comment whore im not gonna beg you...lata
www.malonecomedy.com/bombing.htm
7-7-05 : sorry once again...so alot has happened and i just havnt posted any of it, weve had tons of shows and tons of funny memories come to mind, and in the next month my new site will be up and running and im super pumped stoked happy excited yata yata yata... enough about me how have you been america? wait... this is my journal, fuck youj people. im kidding, i love you, dont leave, im sorry i goofed up ill never yell at you again...just come back to me...
6 -3-05 : HERO OF THE MONTH : this months hero is a group of guys.. not the chippendales.. real true rock ass guys.. not nsync... Dashboard Confessionals (www.dashboardconfessionals.com ) they kick soooo much ass and i never knew until last month, since then ive bought their mtv unplugged and their latest album.. still in shock of how great of a group these guys are. Check them out !
6-2-05 : buddy icons coming soon, hopefully a new layout for the site too so look out for those.
6-2-05 : look out for two new videos next week, they SHOULD be done... one is kinda borderline offensive which is how i like them !
5-26-05 : im thinking about doing video journal entries BUT then again im thinking that if i dont have enought time to write down what im thinking then taping and editing something will be worse. let me what you think america or the 3 ppl that actually come here.. mike@maloncomedy.com
5-25-05 : so its been forever since i wrote in here, i know the last entry says the same thing, i just always forget about it, IM SORRY! anyways alot has happened in the past few weeks, we did a show at the funnybone last sat we did the midnight show there. It was a blast we had so much fun. Thank you to all the people who came out. I was at the funnybone wed night with faber, jake iannarino was headling there so we were there hanging out with him. However the feature that night was REAL REAL REAL funny, his name is dan cummins (www.dancummins.net) awesome guy out of washington, def look him up you wont regret it.
5-14-05 : Dear lord its been awhile since ive written in my journal bc i live a boring life... when im not entertaining millions across this great country we call america i ummm sit around and uh do nothing really god i get off here and get a life...oh and when i said millions i meant 3 to 5 people at a time at ruby tues in columbus ohio which is where ill be tonight. so please i urge you come out tonight and bring as many people as you can please!
4-21-05 : HERO OF THE MONTH : Dane cook.. dont ask why, just buy "harmful if swallowed" his cd and dvd album set for like 12 bucks and go home happy.
4-21-05 : Heading back to Peddlers Lounge in Grove City with my boys the boss players so come check us out on April 30th, show starts at 9 and its only 5 bucks to get in and if your complaining that much about it ill give ya a two for one pass jeez.. (www.malonecomedy.com/bplayaPASS.htm) just print it off and come on out and dont tell the other guys i gave a deal.
4-20-05 : i know its been awhile and i wish i could say ive been really really busy but im not gonna lie to you america, im lazy, and i always forget about this journal..im sorry i let you down bc im sure fam's all around the world are huddled around their computers to see what i mis-spelled in the latest entry..or to see if i ever answered the random question about ninja turtles having sexual organs...the world may never know, well maybe, i dunno if the new pope would know or not..hhmm it seems we all have some research to do.
4-10-05 : PS - www.debontebrothers.com , why? um because they kick ass!
4-10-05 : Heres some footage of the centerville show, this skit faber and I do called Love Poem enjoy..
4-09-05 : Papa is a rolling stone baby! last night i was witht the boss players and we had a show in centerville OH, at a place called "Soft Rock Cafe". I just wanted to thank them for kicking so much ass with us, they treated us like rock stars ive never had more fun in my entire life. They must have taken 5080887 pics of us and as soon as i get my hands on some ill post them up and you can see waht i mean. After we did improv they had a band go on (the debonte brothers) and they invited us up to sing with them and later on faber and I threw on some wigs and we rocked out with them. THANK YOU CENTERVILLE !! hope to see you soon...
4-06-05 : Show Tommar night in centerville, where that is i have no idea, but are we gonna kick ass, of course were gonna kick ass. I think we might be working short handed tho, i think its just me faber jake and larry, sooooo i hope it turns out to be good times.
4-05-05 : NOTE TO SELF : Stop redoing your website every other month.
4-02-05 : Write more journal entries.
3-27-05 : Im tryin to take more pics while were performing and stuff but i dont have that many sooo here are the ones i do have.. www.malonecomedy.com/bplaya.htm
3-27-05 : Peddlers Lounge Grove City Ohio was amazing last night. Best show we have If you missed out, dont worry we were booked 3 more times as soon as we got off stage! APRIL 30th BE THERE!
3-20-05 : so there i am, wondering what to say next, i had to be careful bc around me in a circle convo are the following ppl adam sandler, robbin williams and mike tyson, weird huh.. thats what i thought, so then the convo goes quite and theres dead air between us... so i speak saying something like.."hey why dont we all grab some coffee after this..." Still silence seperates us.. williams looks at me and says " thats not how we roll" all of sudden sandler pops in with screaming giberish and tyson gives me a punch to the gut and your reading this story right now saying to urself this is such bullshit which is good bc this never really happened... or did it... (insert scary music)
3-14-05 : worst show ever last night, i justed didnt feel funny and the crowd wasnt all with it, there were maybe 12 people there and like 5 were laughing and the others were just stone faced most of the night...o well, it happens, cant wait til the 26th that show will kick ass
3-10-05 : RANDOM THOUGH : did the ninja turtles have dicks?... talk amongst yourselves and get back to me.
3-09-05 : if anyone out there knows how to create some kick a$$ buddy icons send me an email please i need some help, i have one but its just my icon and its kinda distorted and stuff so if anyone could help a brotha out itd make me a very happy man.. mike@malonecomedy.com
3-06-05 : last night i had a show with the boss players and it was awesome we kicked some names and took some ass... i think the highlight of the night was when we were doing a game called worlds worst, and the topic was "foot doctor" and so we had to come up with the worlds worst foot doctor thats how the game works anyways Dan swartwout gets up and says.. "mam, dont know how to tell you this, weve ran test after test after test.. and well this little piggy will not go wee wee wee all the way home.." and i f*cking lost it, and i deemed it quote of the night.. ps buy his DVD (www.swarty.com) thanks k bye
3-06-05 : If you buy a new CD anytime soon let it be Chris Rock "never scared".. wow good times. rock is one of favs i own every album even "born suspect" lol.. but his new one is jammed packed with hate whitey material and i love it, im kidding but the "tip your hat to whitey" bits on there are funny as f*ck. also some parody bits referring to other rappers songs and bits on their cds. its def a must hear.
3-05-05 : NOTE TO SELF : after being famous for a long period of time and viewed as of the most creative and hillarious men in the world... sell out and do children movies for a quick buck.
3-05-05 : my buddy Q and I went to Adobe Gilas a bar in columbus ohio to watch Chris Logsdon and it was a great night.. fast forward til close to the end of the night my buddy Q who you all know and love from the skits on the site here, is pretty hammered, ok hes drunk as f*ck and were sitting there listening to music when in walks this guy who looks like Vin Diseal (i cant spell deal with it) only hes a midget.. so we are dieing laughing so i get my camera phone out and i tried to take a picture all spy like and it came out blurry, well Q grabs my phone walks right over to the guy even moves these girls out of the way and takes a dead on shot of this guy without sayin a word then comes back to the table not 5 feet away dieing laughin and pointing at the pic.. long story short heres vin disel as a midget...
3-04-05 : RANDOM THOUGHT : i think i have a super power... i can urinate up to 9 feet.
3-01-05 : i just recently joined with www.myspace.com and im not really sure how it all works yet, my little site is so lame, ive seen some that play music and have diff background pictures and all this other cool hip jazzy stuff and mine is white and blue with my picture in the corner... and im not sure what the f*ck a blog is .. im pretty sure what im doing right now is a blog? im prolly wrong tho.. anyways heres the link to that fun stuff so you can check it out and laugh at my ultra mega force lameness... http://profiles.myspace.com/users/19098303
2-25-05 : just got ahold of a copy of Dan Swartwout's (www.swarty.com) new DVD he has out, nice job, 150 diff cuts .. amazing ... good stuff, and even tho ive seen his act about 123592580 times it was like watching it for the first time...not really but he was just as strong and electric as he always is and i enjoys that..i love you dan, adopt me i need a good home!
2-24-05 : i watched the notebook over the weekend.. : NOTE TO SELF : chicks dig it when you grow a beard and fix up a house.. does not matter if they are planning to get married they will drive hours away to bone...and bone well.
2-22-05 : its my birthday! hell yes...and i spent it well let me tell ya...wait no i didnt i was f*cking sick, like sick sick that whole week it sucked it was awful..so i just had a few friends drop by and my mom bought me a cake awwee...yes i am 22 years old...and yes my mother bought me a cake f*ck off i love her..anyways heres some birthday pics hope u enjoy! www.malonecomedy.com/bday.htm